This weekend we attended a nine year old’s birthday party. I hate kid’s birthday parties. The people who know me, know this. I am an introvert with PTSD. I dislike strangers, crowds, loud noises and unfettered chaos. Unfortunately, these all seem to be mandatory ingredients for a child’s party be it indoor, outdoor, boy’s party or girl’s.
In our area, birthday parties might be held at a trampoline park, an inflatable slide center, or as in Saturday’s event, an indoor pool. As I have mentioned, the Raleigh Parks and Rec dept has a robust program which includes a very nice indoor pool where many of us choose to host our children’s celebrations.
Buffaloe Road Aquatic Center is constructed entirely of cinder block, aluminum and reverberating noise. It is obnoxiously brightly colored, insufferably hot, and suffocatingly humid. The chlorine attacks your eyes the minute you enter the building. I am fairly certain that swimming in the water would instantly give one cataracts.
As a parent planning a party, one looks at the picture and thinks, “Oh, that looks so nice!”, as you envision your child and 20 of their friends romping gleefully. The reality is that you can have a party for your child which includes up to 150 total strangers in a building so loud that if the chlorine does not blind you, the noise level will.
Included in the fee is unlimited enjoyment of a two-story high water slide overseen by a 20 year old bearded Meat Loaf look-a-like who will, at no extra charge, intermittently beat out the bass line of
Queen’s “We Will Rock You” on the platform. Other delights one is sure to experience include at least one infant screaming at full volume because his/her feet are wet, any number of children wearing industrial life jackets while standing in ankle deep water, and of course, a horde of out of shape, poorly groomed and haggard parents.
Although I have never had anyone admit it to me, I strongly suspect I am not alone in my aversion to these events. Of course we all attend them. We have kids. We want others to come to our parties, so we attend the parties others throw. There may be some extroverts who enjoy the chaos, crowds and frenetic sugar fueled hyperactivity, but my guess is many of my fellow parents would rather be having an appendectomy performed without anesthesia.
To this end, I would like to propose a different type of party, one that eschews over-stimulation and provides a sense of sanity for Mom and Dad. The first 30 minutes would be packed with high-energy activities like sack races, relays, water balloon fights and more traditional kid’s games to allow the children to burn off some energy. This would be followed by a craft project: Paint a Happy Pillowcase led by Bob Ross (via DVD, of course).
Guests would then be treated to a supper of roast turkey and warm milk while enjoying the musical stylings of George Winston. To wrap up the evening, a marathon of films narrated by Sir David Attenborough would be presented.
Gift bags, provided by Sleepy’s Mattress Store and The Nature Conservancy, would contain a pillow along with a stuffed animal of an endangered species. Parents would retrieve their children in a calm and reflective state of mind. The ride home would be filled with discussion of the dietary habits of the banded ocelot and the stunning intelligence of the blue ringed octopus. No sugar crash, no candy fueled tantrums. Only sweet dreams of wildebeests grazing amongst happy little trees to the tune of George Winston’s “Peace”. I don’t know about you, but I feel better just thinking about this. Forget about Monkey Joe’s, Launch Pad or the pool–we will be hosting our next party at the nearest library. Where silence is golden.